Why ‘Do as I Say, Not as I Do’ Doesn’t Work Anymore

“Do As I Say, Not As I Do” – Why This Outdated Parenting Approach Can Cause More Harm Than Good

For generations, parents have relied on the phrase, “Do as I say, not as I do,” as a way to establish authority and guide their children’s behavior. While this sentiment may have been passed down with good intentions, modern child development research tells us that this approach can actually be counterproductive.

Children are natural imitators. From the time they are born, they learn by watching the people around them—especially their parents. If we want to raise respectful, kind, and responsible children, we must model the behaviors we want to see in them.

The Power of Modeling Behavior

Kids absorb everything. They pay more attention to what we do than what we say. If we tell them to be patient but constantly lose our tempers, or demand they be honest while bending the truth in front of them, we send mixed signals. This inconsistency can lead to confusion, frustration, and even defiance.

When we model positive behaviors, however, we provide our children with a real-world blueprint for how to act. They learn that respect isn’t just something to be demanded—it’s something to be practiced. They see firsthand how to handle frustration, navigate conflict, and treat others with kindness and understanding.

How “Do As I Say, Not As I Do” Can Backfire

The outdated approach of expecting children to obey words without considering modeled actions can lead to several problems:

1. Erodes Trust – When children see a parent behaving in ways that contradict their instructions, they begin to question their authority and credibility.

2. Encourages Imitation of Negative Behaviors – If parents model impatience, dishonesty, or aggression, children are likely to adopt those behaviors themselves.

3. Creates Frustration & Confusion – Children struggle to understand why they are expected to behave a certain way when the adults in their lives don’t follow the same rules.

4. Weakens Parent-Child Connection – A strong parent-child relationship is built on mutual respect and consistency. Saying one thing while doing another can cause children to feel misunderstood or dismissed.

Leading by Example: What to Model

If we want our children to develop healthy behaviors, it starts with us. Here are some key behaviors to model intentionally:

• Respect – Speak to your child the way you want them to speak to you. Avoid yelling or dismissing their feelings.

• Emotional Regulation – When faced with frustration, demonstrate how to take deep breaths, express feelings calmly, or take a break when needed.

• Honesty & Integrity – Be truthful, even when it’s difficult. Show that honesty is valued and that mistakes can be owned and corrected.

• Apologizing & Accountability – If you lose your temper or make a mistake, apologize to your child. This teaches them that making mistakes is normal and that taking responsibility is a sign of strength, not weakness.

• Kindness & Empathy – Treat others—including your child—with kindness and understanding. Show empathy by acknowledging their feelings and perspectives.

A More Effective Parenting Mantra

Instead of “Do as I say, not as I do,” try adopting a new approach:

“Watch what I do, and I’ll show you how.”

Parenting is about guiding, not commanding. By modeling the values and behaviors we want to see in our children, we create an environment where they naturally develop into the kind, respectful, and responsible individuals we hope they will become.

Final Thought: Our children are always watching. Let’s give them something worth imitating.