The Power of Pairing: Building Trust Before Setting Expectations

When working with a new learner—whether in educational, therapeutic, or mentoring settings—it’s essential to lay a strong foundation before introducing demands or expectations. This foundational step, known as “pairing,” is critical in fostering a positive relationship and ensuring successful learning outcomes. Skipping this step and diving straight into expectations can backfire, leading to disengagement, resistance, or frustration from the learner.

In this blog, we’ll explore the pairing process and its importance in creating an environment where learners feel safe, motivated, and supported. We’ll also look at how skipping this step can hinder progress and participation, making it harder to achieve learning goals.

What is Pairing?

In its simplest form, pairing refers to associating yourself, as the instructor or mentor, with positive experiences and reinforcement. Before introducing tasks, expectations, or demands, the focus is on creating trust and a connection with the learner. Pairing might involve playing games, offering praise, or incorporating the learner's preferred activities into the session. The goal is to establish a relationship where the learner feels comfortable, motivated, and eager to engage.

Why is Pairing Important?

1. Building Trust and Positive Relationships Trust is the foundation of any successful learning experience. Pairing helps create a trusting relationship between the learner and instructor, ensuring the learner feels supported, understood, and safe. Learners are more willing to take on challenges and try new tasks if they trust the person guiding them. Without trust, learners may feel uncertain or resistant, which can impede their willingness to participate or attempt more difficult tasks.

2. Encouraging Willingness to Learn When a learner feels comfortable with an instructor, they are much more likely to take risks and try new tasks—even those that may initially seem too difficult. A positive relationship makes the learner feel supported and less likely to fear failure. In fact, learners are often more open to tackling new challenges when they believe the instructor will be there to offer guidance and encouragement. Pairing creates that sense of support, setting the stage for growth.

3. Boosting Motivation Learners are far more motivated to engage in activities that are tied to positive experiences. Pairing helps establish this motivation by linking the instructor or mentor with enjoyable interactions. This creates a sense of anticipation and excitement about future sessions, making the learner more likely to remain engaged when expectations are gradually introduced.

   
   
   
   

   

   
   

The Risks of Skipping Pairing

When pairing is skipped or rushed, the learner may experience negative emotions or resistance, which can hinder their participation and progress. Here are some of the risks associated with skipping this important step:

1. Resistance to Participation Without a foundation of trust, learners are more likely to resist or withdraw from activities. They may feel overwhelmed or uninterested, especially when faced with tasks they’re not yet prepared for. If the learner doesn't have a positive relationship with the instructor, they may view the session as a chore, or not something to look forward to.

2. Increased Anxiety Jumping straight into tasks or demands can increase the learner's anxiety, especially for those who struggle with unfamiliar challenges. Without the comfort of a strong rapport, the learner may become more stressed, which can hinder their ability to perform and engage effectively. Pairing ensures that learners feel safe and supported before they’re asked to tackle more complex or challenging tasks.

3. Damaging the Instructor-Learner Relationship Pairing helps establish a positive relationship that fosters trust and cooperation. Skipping this process can cause the learner to associate the instructor with stress or discomfort. Over time, this could erode the relationship, making it harder for the instructor to maintain the learner’s interest or cooperation.

4. Maladaptive or Unsafe Behavior Placing demands on a learner before they feel comfortable may also results in an increase of unsafe or undesired behavior (i.e. yelling, running away from instructors, throwing items, aggression towards instructor, etc.). Especially if the learner has not yet learned appropriate forms of advocating for themselves by requesting help or a break from a difficult or new task. Pairing with a learner prior to placing demands will set up successful opportunities to teach new skills, this is crucial for growth towards therapy goals.

   
   

The Role of Trust in Learning

Trust is the cornerstone of the learning process. It’s a simple truth that learners are more willing to engage in tasks, even challenging ones, when they trust the instructor and feel supported. In ABA therapy, for example, learners are often asked to complete tasks that push them outside their comfort zone. These tasks may be challenging, but when the learner knows they have the instructor’s guidance and encouragement, they are more likely to persist and succeed.

A positive relationship built through pairing helps create an environment where the learner feels understood, valued, and empowered to try new things. The emotional safety provided by this trust allows the learner to take on increasingly difficult tasks with confidence, knowing they have someone they can rely on for support. If the learner feels comfortable with the instructor, this will increase the likelihood that the learner express concerns with tasks or new challenges appropriately instead of engaging in refusals.

The Importance of Continued Pairing

While pairing is most commonly associated with the beginning of a therapeutic or learning relationship, it’s important to remember that trust and positive interactions must be maintained throughout the entire learning journey. If positive interactions are only reserved for the start of therapy, trust can begin to fade as the relationship becomes more task-oriented. Learners may start to feel disconnected, unmotivated, or even resistant to participating in sessions.

Maintaining Positive Interactions Continuing to incorporate positive interactions and reinforcement throughout therapy helps sustain trust. It’s essential to carve out time during sessions that’s dedicated solely to activities the learner enjoys—without demands or expectations. These “fun” moments give the learner space to invite the instructor into their world, building stronger connections and increasing motivation.

These breaks can serve as a form of momentum-building, where the learner experiences a sense of success and joy, allowing them to feel more comfortable and ready to tackle more challenging tasks later in the session. By including time for positive, stress-free engagement, the instructor ensures that the learner remains motivated, connected, and eager to continue participating in the learning process.

Following the Learner’s Lead: The First Few Sessions

A key part of the pairing process, especially in the initial sessions, is following the learner’s lead. Instead of immediately dictating the direction of the session, observe the learner and allow them to choose activities that interest them. This gives valuable insight into what the learner enjoys and finds motivating. By following their lead, the instructor demonstrates flexibility and shows that they are tuned into the learner’s preferences. This approach not only strengthens the pairing process but also helps build trust from the start. When the learner feels empowered to make choices, they start to view the instructor as someone who is there to support their interests, not just impose demands. In turn, this encourages a sense of autonomy and collaboration.

Additionally, by noting the learner’s choices during these early sessions, the instructor can gather important information about their preferences, which can be used to tailor future sessions to the learner’s interests. This allows the instructor to offer more personalized and engaging activities, which strengthens the relationship and makes the learner more likely to remain motivated and eager to participate.

How to Effectively Pair with a Learner

1. Observe Preferences Start by observing the learner’s interests and preferences. What do they enjoy doing? What motivates them? Understanding these preferences allows you to incorporate their likes into the session, making it easier to establish a positive connection.

2. Use Reinforcers Offer frequent positive reinforcement during the pairing process. This could be praise, preferred activities, or tangible rewards. The goal is to create an association between you and something enjoyable, building trust and rapport.

3. Be Patient Pairing doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time to establish a positive relationship and build trust. Be patient with the process and allow the learner to set the pace. The more comfortable they feel, the more likely they are to engage in future tasks.

4. Gradually Introduce Expectations Once a positive relationship has been established, introduce small tasks or expectations. Gradually increase the difficulty of tasks as the learner becomes more comfortable with the process. By this time, the learner will likely feel more motivated and confident in their abilities, and they’ll be ready to face new challenges.

5. Schedule Fun Time During therapy sessions, make sure to schedule time for activities the learner enjoys, without any demands. These moments of unstructured fun can reinforce the positive relationship and serve as motivation for future participation.

6. Follow the Learner’s Lead In the first few sessions, take the time to observe what activities the learner chooses to engage with. Follow their lead and allow them to direct the pace of the interaction. This not only helps you better understand their interests but also strengthens the trust and connection between you and the learner.

   
   

Conclusion

Pairing is a fundamental process in creating an environment where learning and growth can flourish. By taking the time to build trust and rapport, instructors set learners up for success. Trust not only encourages engagement but also makes learners more willing to try new tasks and take on greater challenges. When the pairing process is skipped or rushed, learners are more likely to resist participation and struggle to meet expectations. Remember, pairing doesn’t end after the first few sessions. Maintaining positive interactions throughout the journey keeps the learner motivated, engaged, and ready for new challenges. Whether in ABA therapy or any learning setting, pairing provides the foundation for long-term success, ensuring a learning environment where the learner feels supported, valued, and eager to grow.